life and death

I've been ignoring the headache I have already for all day. I've tried to think of something, but this damn headache keeps me from staying focussed. It doesn't matter. This thing I've been thinking of is a matter of life and death. In fact I was questioning life and death and meaning of both. So I filled my time with thinking about and I couldn't get an satisfying answer. Not just the answer wasn't satisfactory, but I couldn't get the arguments to stand. When I questioned the arguments they started to walk in circles. Some of you might not understand how annoying this is. Life has no meaning if no one sees it, and when your dead no one sees the life anymore. When you are dead all the life you've lived is without reason. So, there is neither reason in life, nor in death. I was trying to find a reason for the things that are, but I couldn't find it. I already had a headache, but it only got worst now.

You know what helped me? For hours I had not left my place before my desk. I had looked up some philosophic ideas and even checked what my friend 'The Hermit' thought about this. He talked some about the things C.S. Lewis wrote about this. So, I looked up C.S. Lewis. He said some nice things about it. But my headache remained. He said some good things, but he couldn't say about it what I needed. Than my daughter Zoë walked in. No, she came bouncing in, she climbed like a monkey on me and she made me totally crazy. I wanted to get mad on her. But I couldn't. She's 6. Six year old girls do things like this. How could I get mad? So I grin at her and hold her upside down, which makes her laugh. I cannot be angry, neither can I remain with this question about meaning. Why bother myself with that question. The thing that is much more important is my little princess. She is the meaning of my life. She is the bright star in me. She is more than anything. Of course, together with the wife I love.

I am still working to figure out the meaning of life and death. My work on this isn't done yet, it will continue and might be the most important subject to work on for the next years. But even if I won't get an answer, I probably won't, I at least know the things that are important here and now. Zoë knows this, so much better than I do. So, have I found the answer than? Is life about happiness, family, love? Is life about the here and now? Is that the truth. Is that the preferred philosophy? Can we achieve wisdom and fulfilment simply by enjoying and being satisfied? Our struggle and our daily pains are just about that? No, not at all. Each person strifes to something differeint. Each person is unique in it's struggle to get what he or she wants. Some want to enjoy the simple things in life like love and family. Others just desire wisdom, a desire so strong that it burns them if they don't seek it. Apparently there are desires laid in the hearts of every men. Where does this desire come from? And how should we react on these desires? Questions that remain and need an answer, as love and family is not all that there is. What would I do if my only love would die? Would I die too? Or would I live, still, with the desires in my heart?