too long

- too long have I cowered, I have become a slave, of my own thoughts, I must conquer myself -
'Sympathy, from the album Anagogic Tyranny - song: Insurrection'

Not sure if I can quote this without legal effects, I for now decided just to do it without asking permission. I think they'll forgive me.

I am not elitarian in the normal use of this word. I am neither rich nor highly educated. But on some way I am part of another intellectual elite, which is some kind of a philosohpical elite. I enclose myself from the things the other elites of this world like and crown myself as king of my own thoughts and wisdom. While other elites and also the pulp, those who are not part of the elite but are simply working class try to get fullfillment in their lifes I scoff at them, I know that there is no fullfillment to be found in the way they live. So, I am an intelectual jerk. It makes me proud and arrogant. Because I am a philosopher, I am seeking wisdom because I love wisdom. I desire wisdom so much. I know I haven't found it yet, only a trace of it. This trace is enough for me to make me desire all of it, but I have found only a trace. Just like those who desire love, who desire money, who desire status. Who desires hasn't found it yet.

Now, as my death is neigh I must rethink. I have thought about wisdom before on this blog, which you can find here, now I must rethink it. Because why would I think that I, saying about myself that I haven't found wisdom yet, would now more wisdom than plain people, that life, that enjoys their meals and enjoys the things they have. People that think of fullfillment in children, in a happy marriage, in their daily work, in their divorces and their fights, in their daily struggle to achieve more than the other and in pleasuring themselves. Who am I to deny them on that? What is wisdom more than just have pleasure in the things you do? Death is close enough, there is no need to rethink it over and over again in order to receive more knowledge about it. Rethinking death could cause that you don't enjoy life anymore. So I was thinking about the things could relieve my heart from this burden of death upon it, and in which I could lust myself in this life. I said to myself that the things I loved would deliver me from my ferar from death. I had to enjoy the things of pleasure, like the food I eat, and the friends of my youth. And I sought pleasure in it, but I didn't find it. So I talked to you, Martijn, Akio is your name too, and when I talked to you my mind changed. Wisdom is about bearing fruits for the God. I find pleasure in the things in which God finds pleasure. My lust was fullfilled fully in the law of God, which requires me to love God and my neighbour and which requires to put righteousness before the holy shabbath.

I have studyied on the old Tanakh, to find out more of Gods' law. I sought God in it, but strangely enough I found multiple Gods. You know the story, Martijn, and I won't bother you with it now. This brought me to the theory that Jesus would be God also and I adopted the books that are called the new testament. I found truth and I found truth in my thoughts. But now it gets hard. I know you have been going to a church where people said that believing in God can and will be troubled by the mind. I went to the same church, and I still do. But I do not think so. I think the mind is crucial to know about God. But now I had a doubt concerning my mind. If I wouldn't find truth in my thoughts concerning the faith of the bible, would I believe it then just because of the truth in the bible, or would my thoughts conquer the truth of the bible? Am I a slave of my own thoughts or have I brought into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ? Asking all this questions I was wondering if I still was a philosopher. Maybe I couldn't stay philosopher if I denied the fruits of philosophy as good fruits. Which I did on this moment. I decided that it wasn't really that important. It is good now. My thoughts are not mine anymore. They won't keep me hostage anymore. I am dead to the whole wide world (Megadeth - Sleepwalker).

No more will I fear death.
I am alive now, more than ever.
Even though I lay down in my grave,
my breath has left my body turned to dust,
Thine life is with me.

Oh, God. Please be my guide and my strength,
please be the one in whom I find lust.
I pray to Thee, give me life today Lord.
Throught Thee I can and will be reborn into Thy Kingdom.
Than I will be free from captivity.
Than I wil find knowledge.
Be mine today Lord, and I will be Thine.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Amen